Unwanted celibacy can mean more than a lack of relationships for men. It can also bring a sense of failing to meet society’s expectations of masculinity. “A man may read his own anxiety and need for closeness as proof that he doesn’t match the image of a confident, self-sufficient man,” says Wojciech Podsiadłowski of the University of Warsaw (UW).
Wojciech Podsiadłowski and Dr. Tomasz Oleksy of the UW Faculty of Psychology conducted three studies in 2023–2024 with a total of 2,341 adult men from Poland. They wanted to better understand the psychological factors behind unwanted celibacy, meaning frustration stemming from being unable to find a desired romantic or sexual partner.
PAP: Who are incels?
Wojciech Podsiadłowski: They are men who identify with the label of unwanted celibacy, often members of online communities that use the term.
PAP: Where does this phenomenon come from?
Wojciech Podsiadłowski: Unwanted celibacy, understood as the inability to form desired sexual or romantic relationships, has always existed. As education has grown longer, entry into adulthood has come later and the internet has become widespread, communities have emerged that bring together people experiencing such difficulties. The term “incel” (from the English INvoluntary CELibacy) was coined in 1997 as a label for people struggling with a lack of romantic and sexual relationships. It was initially neutral and served as a means of mutual support. Over time the term became widely used, and online communities developed around it, some of which also began to adopt sexist beliefs. The spread of the term does not necessarily mean, however, that problems with forming relationships have become more common. They may simply be more visible.
PAP: Why did you decide to study unwanted celibacy?
WP: Although several studies have already shown poorer psychological well-being or a greater tendency toward aggressive behavior among incels, much less is known about unwanted celibacy as a type of loneliness that can affect anyone.
Although more attention is usually paid to the threats posed by the manosphere (online communities and circles centered on masculinity, relations between the sexes and men’s rights; some of them promote antifeminist or misogynistic views — PAP) and by incels, we wanted to understand the sources of unwanted celibacy.
In one of the studies, in addition to unwanted celibacy, we also analyzed self-identification as an incel. An anxious attachment style and stress related to a perceived deficit of masculinity were linked both to this type of loneliness and to identifying as an incel.
At the same time, unwanted celibacy is a broader experience. Not everyone who suffers from a lack of relationships belongs to the incel community or shares the beliefs found in it.
PAP: What sources of unwanted celibacy did you identify?
WP: Two of the key ones seemed to us to be insecurity in close relationships and a sense of not meeting society’s expectations of masculinity. While we focused on a model linking unwanted celibacy with attachment styles and masculinity-related stress, other researchers also point to factors such as low self-esteem, a low assessment of one’s own attractiveness, difficulty recognizing signals of interest from other people, and a high tendency to experience negative emotions (neuroticism).
Studies also show that men who identify as incels are more likely to experience mental health problems. It should be noted, however, that most of these studies are correlational, so we cannot say definitively what is a cause and what is a consequence of unwanted celibacy.
PAP: What did these studies involve, and what did they show?
WP: The first study involved 538 men ages 18–30, the second 1,021 men ages 18–39, and the third 782 men ages 18–39. The first two were surveys; the third was an experiment. All were conducted online. Participants included both single men and men in relationships.
In all three studies, we obtained results suggesting that an anxious attachment style may be linked to unwanted celibacy through stress related to a perceived deficit of masculinity.
In other words, a man may read his own anxiety and need for closeness as proof that he doesn’t match the image of a confident, self-sufficient man — especially since the need for closeness is stereotypically associated with something feminine. Relationship difficulties are then accompanied by an additional sense of not fitting the male role. An anxious attachment style and stress related to a deficit of masculinity explained a large share of the variation in unwanted celibacy.
PAP: Why might some men see the lack of a partner or sexual experience as a threat to their sense of masculinity and self-worth?
WP: In the traditional model of masculinity, romantic and sexual success confirms attractiveness, agency and social status. If a man adopts such criteria for judging himself, he may interpret a lack of interest from others as proof that he is not manly enough.
It is therefore important to remember that exerting this kind of pressure can undermine self-worth. Beyond the disappointment of being rejected, men who feel this pressure may begin comparing themselves with others. That will further intensify frustration, which can lead to worse mental health or aggressive behavior.
PAP: What role do societal expectations of men play in this?
WP: They provide the standards by which men often judge their own experiences. Traditional expectations emphasize confidence, self-reliance, control of emotions and taking romantic or sexual initiative.
Fear of rejection or a strong need for closeness can then be read as signs of weakness or insufficient masculinity. In the explanation we propose, a man suffers both because of difficulties in relationships and because of what he believes those difficulties say about him as a man.
PAP: One of the most interesting findings is that stress over failing to meet standards of masculinity was linked to frustration over unwanted celibacy, but not to romantic loneliness. How can this difference be explained?
WP: Romantic loneliness is primarily about the discomfort that comes from a subjectively felt lack of closeness, support and intimate bonds. Unwanted celibacy, by contrast, is distinguished by a sense of being undesirable to others, difficulty finding an interested person, painful comparisons with others and frustration.
These experiences can occur together. The latter, however, affects the assessment of one’s own attractiveness and adequacy more strongly, so concerns about failing to meet standards of masculinity may be particularly clearly linked to it.
What’s more, romantic loneliness itself can be interpreted as a temporary state, while unwanted celibacy is more often understood in a fatalistic way. Research on rejection shows that such experiences are accompanied by what is even physical pain, and they can have far more negative consequences both for the person experiencing them and for other people around them.
PAP: Is unwanted celibacy becoming a growing social problem, especially among young men?
WP: Our research does not allow us to say whether unwanted celibacy is becoming more common. Nor are we aware of methodologically sound studies that would support such a conclusion.
However, if you compare unwanted celibacy with men’s loneliness in general, which is sometimes grandly called an “epidemic of male loneliness,” there is no conclusion that feelings of loneliness are increasing.
At the same time, studies point to an increase in time spent alone. Particularly worrying may be a situation in which reduced contact with others is accompanied by a sense of rejection or exclusion. Such experiences can increase susceptibility to radicalization. These issues, however, have not yet been the subject of our research.
Anna Mikołajczyk-Kłębek (PAP)
